Ducks in a Barrel

Believe it or not, that's a metaphor, and not, thank God, a recipe.

No, I'm referring to the ease of finding truly revolting recipes in community cookbooks. Especially ones from Texas. Now, I was saving this one for the rainy day (don't look now, but here comes another metaphor) that I'm sure is inevitable. Like after I get nominated for a Bloggie and/or The New York Times mentions this blog--then the pressure will be on to be FUNNY and of course, I won't be able to get a funny boner. I will be im-humor-potent. I will have erectile dysfunniness. I will start making up bad puns.

And that, rather than now, would be the right time to pull out Tastefully Yours, a community cookbook published by the Hearthstone Garden Club of Houston, Texas.

I mean, this is my absolute favorite cookbook. It is a cornucopia of disgusting recipes. And you don't have to dig for them. This one appears on THE VERY FIRST PAGE:

Hank's Armadillo Eggs

2 (6-oz) pkgs. shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1 1/2 c. all-purpose buttermilk baking mix (recipe tested with Bisquick)
1/2 lb. sausage (tested with Jimmy Dean sausage)
1 (1 lb. 10-oz.) can (26 oz. total) whole jalapenos, seeded and devined
1 (6-oz.) box (2 env.) seasoned coating mix for pork (tested with Shake & Bake)
2 eggs, beaten

(I want to add "to submission" to that last. I mean, what self-respecting hen's egg would volunteer to be morphed into a FrankenEgg like this? I would expect the eggs to have been tortured if not brainwashed. But I digress.)

Mix half the cheese, baking mix and sausage. Stuff pepers with remaining cheese. Pinch together tightly. Roll dough 1/8 inch thick. Wrap each jalapeno in dough. Remove excess dough and seal completely. Shape like an egg. Roll "Eggs" in coating mix; dip in beaten egg and roll in coating mix again. Bake at 325 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes. Makes about 10. May be made in advance and reheated.

At this point, of course, you are probably pale and sweating slightly. I know I am.

You might also be wondering how I find all these awful recipes, and what are the criteria for selection? What does a recipe have to do to make the cut?

Well, the important thing is not the ingredients per se, but the ratio of food to non-food ingredients. Now, I'll grant you that somebody somewhere might enjoy Monterey Jack cheese, but I have personally never tasted it, except as an ingredient in Tex Mex dishes. Which, OK, I admit I'm from Massachusetts, but as far as I'm concerned, that means it's only a pseudo-food.

Now examine the rest of the ingredients: biscuit mix; pork chop seasoning mix, etc., etc. The only food in this recipe is the eggs, and they are used only to hold the coating mix in place. If they come up with a way to get Cool-Whip or Velveeta or even better Miracle Whip to do the same thing--and in the revised edition of Tastefully Yours, they probably will--then the only actual food in this recipe would be the alleged cheese.

Which as far as I'm concerned, is the equivalent of wining the Academy Award for Least Edible Appetizer.

--P.