Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I'm baaaaack--and just in time for Halloween

What can I say to excuse my appalling neglect of this excellent blog?

I can't argue that I've been so busy making ultra-high-quality entries to my other blog--at least, not with a clean conscience--because while I have posted there fairly often, it's not like the editor of The New Yorker is reading it, moved to speechlessness--nay, awestruck--by my brilliance, and is wondering shyly whether I'd laugh in his face if he flew me to New York to offer me a column.

No, as readers of my other blog will testify, I had baseball to watch, chipmunks to chase, and idiotic internet quizzes to take.

But this morning I realized something. What better way to discuss Horrifying Foodstuffs than to take on--honestly and fearlessly--an important sub-category of HFs. Which is, of course, the completely unappetizing (if not inedible) pseudo-food I had--up until today--completely neglected. And that is essentially unappetizing combinations of pre-packaged dessert mixes that boldly make a show of their own inedibility. Campy? Yes, of course. But in-your-face. Politically charged. Powerful.

Accordingly, I now present the Gay Pride marcher of cake mix recipes. The Stonewall of instant puddings. The ACT-UP drag-queen of Duncan Hines.

So with no further ado, I bring you

Kitty Litter Cake

1 German Chocolate Cake mix
1 white cake mix
2 large pkg vanilla instant pudding mix, prepared
1 large pkg vanilla sandwich cookies
green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls®

1 new kitty litter pan
1 new plastic kitty litter pan liner
1 new pooper scooper

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).

Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.

Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix until completely colored.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Mix in just enough of the pudding to moisten it. You don't want it too soggy. Combine gently.

Line a new, clean kitty litter box. Put the cake/pudding/cookie mixture into the litter box.

Put three unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave-safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls, and then bury them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly on top of everything -- this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat 3 Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake; sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box, sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs. Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around for a truly disgusting effect!

No, really??? People wouldn't want to eat cat shit? I'm shocked.

Would it help if we added some Cool Whip?