The road not taken

In this entry I posit a new model for understanding the many-headed hydra that is Horrifying Foodstuffs. To wit: horrifying foodstuffs that are the result of taking perfectly good ingredients and combining them in such a way that they become revolting. I've seen it all too often--blameless, nay, praiseworthy ingredients which--through no fault of their own--have been led down the primrose path to perdition.

Remember the scene in Pinocchio when the sweet little wooden boy bids Gepetto farewell, and accompanied only by Jiminy Cricket, heads off alone for his first day of school? (Nowadays Gepetto would end up in court for child neglect, but I digress.) And then Pinocchio gets waylaid by "Honest John" and the cat? And almost turns into a donkey?

Well, that's what appears to be happening in this recipe:

Eggnog II

1 dozen eggs
1 quart cream
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 pint whiskey

You see what I mean, don't you? Eggs, cream, sugar--what could be better? And the pint of whiskey seems like a good idea, too--although I wonder about the company it's keeping. Because usually I think of whiskey as the Nancy Drew of beverages, ordinarily found with its chums Vermouth and Angostura Bitters.

Separate eggs. Beat yolks and add sugar until creamy. Add whiskey slowly. Add whipped cream and stir well. Whip half of the whites (6) and add to the above mixture by folding them. Chill well. Serves 12-14.

Now, dear Reader, you might actually like eggnog. I'm sure many people do. But my mother used to make something very like this every year at Christmas--the separated eggs, the whipped cream, the folding in of a heap of egg white fluff, the massive amounts of bourbon ... I'm telling you, the result is horrifying. You end up with a big bowl of something with the consistency of a McDonald's shake, or maybe a jar of Marshmallow Fluff--too thick to actually drink. I'm not kidding. I've been handed a cup of the stuff straight out of the punchbowl and the ladle is almost useless. You can practically slice this stuff. And when you try to drink it, you tip the little punch cup towards your face and nothing moves for a while, and then you end up with a blob of whipped cream mixed with egg white on your nose.

And then there is the matter of how fattening this stuff is. If I remember correctly, a cup of eggnog has something like 4,582,821 calories. Now, this is simply criminal. What a waste of calories. There are plenty less fattening ways to get a buzz.

I mean, if you have to, go ahead and make and drink the stuff. Call me a Puritan, but I think all that wholesome, innocent, sweet dairy case stuff should be kept away from whiskey until it's old enough to drink legally. And anyway, the combination offends my palate. To me, it makes way more sense to drink a few glasses of bourbon on the rocks, and then, when you're drunk enough not to know any better, have creme brulee for dinner.

--P.