Remember the Lemonade Pie I was whining about a while ago? The bastardized version of Lemon Meringue Pie? The one that Willie Nelson was going to start the Lemon-Aid fund-raising concert for?
Well, I just found another, even more bastardized pie recipe. Can you believe it? This is getting farther and farther from a whatchamacallit--you know, the familiar yellow citrus fruit. If this keeps up, pretty soon it will be Six Degrees of Separation from --wait a minute; it's on the tip of my tongue--oh yes. An actual lemon.
OK, back to this "pie." Surprise, surprise--the situation has deteriorated. At least the first bastard pie had a couple of fresh ingredients. I remember some sour cream--and even an egg or two.
But this latest concoction bears the Mark of the Beast.
I realize I'm going all Book of Revelations on you, but trust me. I read this recipe a while ago, and I'm still shuddering. Go ahead and think my Final Days/Fire and Brimstone/Day of Judgment imagery is over the top--then read this and weep:
Lemonade Pie
One tub Cool Whip
One small container lemonade mix
One small can fat-free sweetened condensed milk
One pie crust bottom
Mix first three ingredients. Place the mixture in the pie crust. Chill for about one hour, then serve.
See what I mean? This so-called "pie" doesn't contain a single fresh ingredient. This pie was invented because it can be mixed together in five minutes. Also, since none of the ingredients is fresh, students in dormitories, people who have been incarcerated, mountaineers on the slopes of Everest, and shipwrecked sailors on desert islands can whip together a tasty Lemonade Pie whenever they're in the mood for something sweet. Also, it is posivitely impossible for this "pie" to go bad. For one thing, it contains nothing that could support life. Have you ever seen mold grow in a bowl of sugar? Exactly. This concoction has got to have a longer half-life than a Twinky.
But I still think the name isn't sufficiently evocative. How about "Lemonade Mix Pie?" Or maybe "Emergency Pie?" Or--because it would apparently hang around for a very, very long time--how about "Purgatory Pie?"
I don't know, though. The idea of Purgatory is that eventually you get to leave and go to Heaven. And call me judgmental, but this is a fate that this pie simply doesn't deserve. In fact, I think this pie would be headed in the opposite direction. So I think the recipe should conclude: "Garnish with 666 colored sugar sprinkles."
--P.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I too have experienced variations on Purgatory pie. This is because I love its pre extreme makeover distant cousin the real, true lemon meringue pie almost more than life itself.
Biting into one of these fake things is a metaphor for all of life's disappointments.
OTOH, aren't you glad the recipe doesn't call for regular condensed milk? 'Cause that'd be like a gazillion, billion trillion times worse, right?
Post a Comment