Dinosaur Eggs--They're What's For Breakfast!

Ack, I just realized that I entered this blog into a Blog Explosion challenge against Jane Loves Tarzan. When I really meant to enter my other blog, which is a more general, personal diary type of read. Whoops.

And now I've got 30 credits riding on a blog whose sole purpose is to make fun of a bunch of bad recipes. What to do?

Jump right the hell in, that's what.

So here's the latest monstrosity I discovered. Something short, if not sweet. For the record, this recipe comes from the River Road Recipes cookbook, a publication of the Junior League of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. No, I don't have the cookbook handy. It's elsewhere. So unfortunately, I can't type in the recipe verbatim. But why would I need to? This recipe only has two ingredients:

Dinosaur Eggs

Four eggs (chicken eggs, duh)
One can Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup

Break eggs into bowl. Mix until well scrambled. Mix in can of soup. (Do not add water!) Scramble in a pan over low heat. Serve.

Mmm-mm good!™

Actually, it sort of sounds like dog vomit.

And I don't care how many home economics graduates the Campbell Soup company can get to line up and assure me, one after the other, that this glop would be edible. I cry foul.

[Or fowl. Hee!]

At any rate--not to sound like Pat Robertson, but a recipe like this makes you realize why Hurricane Katrina whalloped Louisiana, doesn't it?

Once in a while, I'm not reading cookbooks to find horrifying recipes.

Once in a while, I'm reading cookbooks so I can actually cook something good. You may have noticed that I haven't posted anything new here in a while. But it's because I was actually cooking real, live, home-made, only-very-lightly-processed food. There was nary a can of cream of mushroom soup or a tub of Cool-Whip to be found chez Poppy.

But it's the new year, and guess what? All that not-mushroom-souped or Cool-Whipped food is now lodging in fat cells all over my body. Which is good news for you, because it means that once more, I am obsessed with foods I have no business eating.

And when you're surviving on rice cakes and miso soup, what better than to read old Junior League cookbooks, searching for the ultimate cheese ball recipe?

So ... I'll be back.

--P.

I'm baaaaack--and just in time for Halloween

What can I say to excuse my appalling neglect of this excellent blog?

I can't argue that I've been so busy making ultra-high-quality entries to my other blog--at least, not with a clean conscience--because while I have posted there fairly often, it's not like the editor of The New Yorker is reading it, moved to speechlessness--nay, awestruck--by my brilliance, and is wondering shyly whether I'd laugh in his face if he flew me to New York to offer me a column.

No, as readers of my other blog will testify, I had baseball to watch, chipmunks to chase, and idiotic internet quizzes to take.

But this morning I realized something. What better way to discuss Horrifying Foodstuffs than to take on--honestly and fearlessly--an important sub-category of HFs. Which is, of course, the completely unappetizing (if not inedible) pseudo-food I had--up until today--completely neglected. And that is essentially unappetizing combinations of pre-packaged dessert mixes that boldly make a show of their own inedibility. Campy? Yes, of course. But in-your-face. Politically charged. Powerful.

Accordingly, I now present the Gay Pride marcher of cake mix recipes. The Stonewall of instant puddings. The ACT-UP drag-queen of Duncan Hines.

So with no further ado, I bring you

Kitty Litter Cake

1 German Chocolate Cake mix
1 white cake mix
2 large pkg vanilla instant pudding mix, prepared
1 large pkg vanilla sandwich cookies
green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls®

1 new kitty litter pan
1 new plastic kitty litter pan liner
1 new pooper scooper

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).

Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.

Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix until completely colored.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Mix in just enough of the pudding to moisten it. You don't want it too soggy. Combine gently.

Line a new, clean kitty litter box. Put the cake/pudding/cookie mixture into the litter box.

Put three unwrapped Tootsie Rolls in a microwave-safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls, and then bury them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly on top of everything -- this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat 3 Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake; sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box, sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs. Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around for a truly disgusting effect!

No, really??? People wouldn't want to eat cat shit? I'm shocked.

Would it help if we added some Cool Whip?